The definition of enmeshment is – to catch or entangle in or as if in meshes (Merriam-Webster dictionary). Envision a fishing net and how, even when your tried to cut it apart, it is still all tangled together. Enmeshment is a family pattern where there are no boundaries between members of the family. Family members are overinvolved in each other’s lives. Because family members don’t have a strong sense of who they are as individuals their focus is on the other members of the family.
One of the most common patterns of enmeshment is the parent-child relationship. This may occur for different reasons. For example: In a family where parents are divorced, a parent has an addiction, or in a marriage where emotional needs are not being met by the spouse it is not uncommon for a parent to turn to one of their children to be the stand in for their spouse. They give the child information that would normally be discussed with their spouse, therefore, putting the child in an adult role. The child who doesn’t have the coping skills or maturity to know how to handle the situation is left feeling helpless and hopeless. The child begins to lose themselves emotionally, mentally, and psychologically, resulting in forfeiting parts of their childhood. It is through this unhealthy family interaction that a child becomes enmeshed and unknowingly permits the parent to control or define them.
Problems you encountered in your family of origin (original family) are carried over into all your adult relationships. This includes friends, spouse, children, people you work with, and so on. It is common to discover that enmeshment has come down through many generations of a family. Because we learned to relate in this way it may be how we function with our children and others in our lives. Enmeshed people try to rescue and enable destructive behavior, but, there is a better healthier way to live.
To Begin to Recover and Reacquaint Yourself with Healthy Responses to the World
1. Go back and work through your family of origin issues. Revisiting your trauma and working through it will give you a clear picture of what you have gone through and what you lost. A good way to do this is with a counselor who can be supportive and help you be a healthier person.
2. Recognize when you try to fix, rescue, control, or manipulate another person you are not loving them. You are treating them like children and behaving as though you are responsible for them. Unless they are children this is unhealthy and unloving behavior.
3. Begin to set boundaries for yourself. This will give you a healthy separation between yourself and others.